Bullying: Protecting your Child.

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself.” -Harvey S. Firestone

When I was in Prep a male classmate of mine decided to punch me. He hit me in the stomach and it hurt. I cried. The witnesses told our teacher and our teacher facilitated the reconciliation. From that day forward I decided to be strong. I wasn’t about to be bullied again and I made sure to protect my friends from being bullied. I was fortunate to have found some strength in me to get over being the victim.

But a lot of kids aren’t that fortunate.

Most of the kids who fall victim to bullying are the kids who are not part of a group and are most likely to stay quiet and endure the bullying.  The predator knows his prey, the bully knows his victim.

I have been out of the elementary school loop for years now, but based on my experience bullying in the Philippines isn’t as rampant and violent as it is in other countries. However, it cannot be denied that bullying exist in our schools and to protect our children from the possible psychological damage we need to be alert of the signs that scream that your child is being bullied.

Listen to your child’s stories. It is his stories that give hints to whether or not he is being bullied in class.  Listen if he tells you of a classmate who regularly hurts him (i.e hits him, steals his things, trips him). Try to discover if the said classmate is bigger and older and if it happens often. It takes time and patience to do this regularly, but building this relationship with your child will:

1. Keep you alert of possible bullying and allow you to act immediately.

2. Make you child comfortable enough to tell if he is being bullied or if bullying is happening in his class.

Be aware of your child’s social interactions. It is critical that parents are aware of the classroom set-up and interaction. Get to know your child’s teacher. An involved, authoritative, and observant teacher is key in preventing bullying from occurring in the class.  Children who respect their teachers are wary of committing anything wrong. Also, an involved teacher cultivates trust in her students. Children who fall victim to bullying will find security in telling his teacher of the situation.

Similarly, learn from the teacher how your child interacts with his classmates. Discuss with the teacher possible means and ways to make each student feel like they are part of the class.  A teacher who ascertains that students are able to make friends and build friendships in class is a teacher who can prevent bullying. Based on studies, bullies and victims are the less popular and less involved students in the class. They most often fall in the shadows and are unnoticed. Hence, the bully is able to inflict hurt on a child who has no one to run to.

Creating an environment that is harmonious prevents bullying and protects the possible victim. At the end of the day, your child’s relationship with you, with his teacher and his classmates can help him through difficult situations such as bullying.

For more information on bullying, check our website and discussion on bullying. Click here.

 

Book Review: The Trouble With Perfect

“Our almost-perfect child, left to his own devices, secure in our love and support, may be far closer to perfection than we can perceive.” —The Trouble with Perfect

When I saw this book at the bookstore I knew I had to buy it as part of my resource for this blog and website. Though I had trouble with the fluidity and the integration of ideas in the book , its worth buying. It should be the first book every parent reads prior to reading books on achievement.

The book in its conversational tone allows the reader to understand the concept and ideas. The language is reader friendly and the content practical. It discusses the concepts with concrete experiences and examples that allow the reader to relate.  It educates without being condescending. Rather than tell you what you should do, it discusses the what, why and how of each concept allowing the reader to evaluate his/her behavior and accept or reject the ideas being discuss. The books also offers practical advice on the daily concerns of parents, from homework to getting tutors.  The authors dedicated the last section of the book to answer real questions, and their responses are fresh an aligned to the books thesis.

However, the greatest appeal of this book is the fresh perspective it offers when it comes to parenting. It tries to shed light to the growing problem in overachieving children, overextended kids, and overworked teens. It reassures us that sometimes we can just step back and allow our children to take our breath away.

I do suggest however you ignore the subtitle to the book as it doesn’t really show us “how” parents can avoid the overachievement trap, it does however educate us on what the trap is and allows the parent to act in his/her own judgement. After all, each child is different and one formula doesn’t fit all.

The book is written by Elisabeth Guthrie, M.D and Kathy Matthews. Guthrie is a Clinical Director of the Learning Diagnostic Cneter at Blythendale Children’s Hospital.  Matthews is the best selling author of numerous books including The Savvy Mom’s Guide to Medical Care.

To learn more about the book, check amazon here. For other reviews on this book, check this.

 

Change is in the Air

“Change always comes bearing gifts.”  ~Price Pritchett

Just a quick note. I changed the theme to make it easier on the eye.  I hope you like it.I’m also posting a overdue review of the book I was talking about in the last 2 posts over the weekend. If you have any questions you want discussed feel free to leave a message and I’ll definitely go working at it.

 

Child Achievement | The Trap Of Push Parenting 2

Most parents don’t want to push their kids too hard, and most parents want what’s best for their child. But in the age of securing better futures and ensuring success, phrases like “Overscheduled toddlers”, “pressured children,” and “overachieving teens” are popping all over the media circuit. Should we be worried?

I wouldn’t say you should be worried, but its best to understand what’s going on and how as parents you are able to take that step back and let your child breathe in the world of rigorous competition.

Are you pushing too hard? How do you know if a parent is pushing too hard? According to the book The Trouble with Perfect* the following behaviors are telltale signs of push parenting:

1. Orchestrating virtually every moment of a child’s life with lessons, play dates, and “enriching activities;”

2. Demanding high achievement in school and at sports at almost any cost.

3. Pressuring a child to choose courses, activities, or interest more to “build a resume” (or college application) than to discover or explore natural curiosities or personal interest.

4. Meddling in children’s friendships and relations with teachers and coaches.

Orchestrating virtually every moment of a child’s life

As parents, you know best. You want your child to experience a full range of things, may it be a science camp or a walk along the beach. There’s nothing wrong about this. The key phrase is VIRTUALLY EVERY MOMENT. In our attempts to make our child experience everything, we begin writing a schedule for them. Possibly filling their morning with activities like a jog before heading to school. Then, maybe soccer practice or ballet classes after class; plus piano lessons on weekends. The child does not have any time to sit down and do whatever she likes.

Think of it like muscle building. If you workout, you cannot do it everyday. You need to rest, so that your muscle can recuperate to firm up. Exercising everyday can lead to constant breaking down of muscle and your body’s inability to bulk up. Like muscles, your child needs to rest, to be able recuperate. She needs a moment to enjoy and discover other things that can only come in those periods of rest.

Demanding High Achievement

Unlike adults who are specialists in one area or another, children have to be generalist. They need to learn everything from writing to math. Learning one subject as it is involves a complex process of understanding, retaining, and remembering the information. The 90’s or A’s are icing to the cake it shouldn’t be the cake. The point of learning isn’t about getting the highest grades; it’s about understanding the process and knowing when to use it. Asking your child to always be on top gives mix signals. It may lead the child to believe that his value is dependent on his achievement and results are all that matter.

Pressuring a Child to Choose

Isn’t it great to offer your child choice? Choice is great, but there are certain areas in which we can’t expect children to make a life long commitment to. Pressuring them chooses what course or interest they should pursue is counterproductive. The best part about childhood is being able to explore what you can and cannot do. A child may like soccer for 2 years, but this can change. Some parents commit the mistake of building a whole career based on a 2 year interest on soccer; and in some instances it’s the parents’ dreams that makes the child stay in something rather than their own personal desire. Allow your child to explore things out of interest, not out of some future. Telling your child he should pursue something because it would look good in his college application takes the joy out of everything. It also restricts the child from truly finding what he likes. Remember: He’s probably just 10 years old. Let him play for the sake of playing.

Meddling in a Child’s Friendship and Relationship

with Coaches/Teachers

A parent’s concern for every aspect of their child’s life is inevitable. Parents want their children to grow up well, but there are areas wherein parents should be able to step back. Push parents want their children to hang out with the cream of the crop in school, and wants the coach/teacher to give her child special attention. If you’ve watched enough movies of athletic father’s and sons, you know what I mean. Kids need to learn how to make friends and discover who are worth keeping. They don’t need to discriminate or be with those who are ‘like them.’ They also need to be able to handle their issues with teachers and coaches. Wait for them to approach you for help.

Arguing with a coach because s/he suspended your child from playing in this week’s game due to bad grades doesn’t make the coach the enemy. Arguing with the coach about letting your child, their star-player, sit at the benches sends the wrong messages. It makes children think they can be exceptions to the rules because they are good at something.

Push parenting sends the wrong message to your child. It makes the feel like workhorses whose value is equivalent to the amount of work they put and the number of medals hanging on the wall. Like everything else, the key to avoiding this trap is balance.

 

Child Achievement | The Trap of Push Parenting

Across the street from where I live I found a tarpaulin banner for summer workshops. After reading the list of programs I was a bit startled, and had to go check it again. It offered programs in Reading, Math, and Science. Dumbstruck. Was it a million years ago when I was a kid unceasingly nagging my parents to enroll me to the two week art program nearby?

It is strange for me to find ‘academic’ programs as summer offerings. Most often summer, aside from vacation, were the times where a child could explore his/her various interest. It may be dancing this summer, art next summer, and tae kwon do the following summer. Summer, to me, was the endless opportunity to do something fun. But the time has changed. Year in year out, I find schools or centers offering advance programs for subjects. Each learning center promises that your child will be ahead. My question is:

Does being ahead matter to our children?

One has to ask, do children want to be better than their classmates? Their peers? Or is it the parents who get thrown in the frenzy of ensuring the BEST future for their child, hence making sure your child has the competitive advantage?

Before I head on to discussing the nitty-gritty of this proposition, let me clear a few things. There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for your child or choosing to enroll him/her in programs that could help him/her. There is nothing wrong with enrolling your child in academic-related programs. What I hope to bring to the table is an awareness of when we are doing something that is more for ourselves as opposed for the child.

There is a thin line that divides between being child-centered and parent-centered parenting. The latter leading to the new phenomenon called Push-Parenting. The former recognizes when something a child expresses is truly something he wants to pursue, or a mere expression of delight. Let me illustrate:

A child found a grasshopper on a blade of grass, he calls his parents to show him them the grasshopper. The parents then shows the child a books on insects, they bring him to an insect museum, and enroll him in a club/program/camp related to it. But the child was not at all interested in the insect kingdom, he simply wanted to show his parents his discovery and share the delight of seeing a grasshopper on a blade of grass.

With the rise of products that can enhance your child’s intelligence, help them achieve top marks or make them number one has led already anxious parents to the brink of push parenting. For the next few blog entries, I will expound of push parenting. Discussing those myths that have led to some parents to push their children towards over achievement, as well as the consequences of this behavior.

I hope this series of blog articles will bring to light this phenomenon and help you take the long view—stop, take a step back and ask: Is this really for my child? Or am I being pressured by the world?